Sex? Maybe I Should Warm Up First

By David Sherman

How to tell if you've crossed the line into elderly.

Making love hurts your back, knees and shoulders.

Thinking of making love hurts your back, knees and shoulders.

You keep losing your glasses but can’t find them because you don’t have your glasses

You can’t leave home without blood pressure, cholesterol and pain meds.

When you wake up and stretch, the word you greet the day with is “Owww!”

When confronted by a beautiful, provocatively dressed young women at a party or restaurant, she gives you the smile you reserved for your demented uncle.

Your freezer is well stocked with ice — for ice packs. Booze gives you gas.

Your most welcome bedside companions are a hot water bottle and a heating pad.

Your most-used phrases when travelling are: where’s a washroom, let’s take a cab and can you turn the music down?

When new pains or aches pop up, you no longer bother seeing doctors.

You buy extra-strength Tylenol by the six-pack and fantasize about grinding and snorting it to make you feel younger.

When people refer to the elderly, you forget that includes you.