Ten Coronavirus Truths

1. With Canadian crude prices in the toilet, you can help save Alberta by using the oil as an excellent, inexpensive salad dressing. Buying a barrel and boiling yourself in it will also kill the virus and promote national unity.

2. No one knows the effects of ibuprofen or chicken soo guy on the virus so it’s best to avoid both.

3. If you are stuck overseas and need to fly home, Air Canada is offering discount tickets and an excellent meal with Champagne en route.

4. Neighbours stockpiling rifles and ammunition have a new-found interest in hunting rabbits and deer.

5. Homeless and unemployed people, those who can’t work because they have to look after children and those in nursing and long-term care facilities, will all be looked after by the federal and provincial governments.

6. Everyone will get free money.

7. Anyone who wants or needs a test for Covid can have one.

8. Canada’s healthcare system is perfectly prepared to cope with a vast influx of new patients.

9. Major supermarket chains are not raising prices to meet the rabid demand for food and household goods.

10. Donald Trump, the war-time president, has put thoughts of the election on hold to devote himself to the needs of all Americans, regardless of their race, colour, religion or party affiliation.