Ten Commandments Louisiana-style

David Sherman

A few years ago, Moses climbed down Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments chiseled in stone. He was undoubtedly winded – tablets are heavy, and, at 80, probably slightly demented. It was a time of spears and arrows. Family favourites -- the AK 47 and Glock pistols -- were a few years away so killing was more of a trial. 

Louisiana, like the U.S. itself, has more guns than people and, the governor, wishing to prove he is a good, God-fearing or G-d-fearing white Christian, has ordered Moses’s commandments be posted in every classroom.

But, times have changed and Moses, though he had a hell of a beard, was not a visionary and Louisiana has updated the rules of God or G-d, depending on whether you use the letter O or prefer a hyphen.

Slavery, hatred, revolution and massacres are part of life, especially in the land of bump stocks and the home of the psychotic.

Nothing says righteous like watching a man sizzle to death. And though Louisiana has not executed anyone for years, they’re hungry to kill judiciously. So, they have passed legislation to legalize execution with nitrogen gas as well as that old favourite, electrocution. What God-fearing, church-going white Christian can resist an eye for an eye? It’s as redemptive as shooting someone in the head for living while Black, and another pastime in American blood-red states.

Lousiana is an exuberant redoubt of G-d-loving, G-d fearing, hyphenating bible belters who fear their kids might think it’s wrong to kill, lie, steal and play whoopsie with other people’s spouses. So, they have an updated America-the-beautiful list of commandments to post in classrooms.

Thou shall kill -- just don’t get caught.

Thou shall be locked and loaded.

Thou shall shoot first and ask questions later when confronting a person of colour or a Muslim.

Thou shall not lynch. It’s inefficient and wastes good rope.

Bear false witness as often as necessary or, in a former president’s words, “lie and deny, deny, deny.” Especially when considering the next commandment.

Thou shall enjoy committing adultery, especially if the object of your adulteress libido is a porn star or teenage girl.

Thou shall not steal; are you kidding me? 

Thou shall do anything to feed shareholders’ pockets and increase share price. Known as the Boeing Commandment, it has also been adopted by the health-care industry in the U.S. where it is mandatory to rip off the sick and the government for billions. Who better to take advantage of than the helpless and the dying, made easier when you have politicians in your pocket.

Thou shall move jobs to non-union states, cheap-labour countries, bear false witness to everyone and use cheap defective parts are all part of the Boeing Commandment.

Thou shall make images to worship and sell on right-wing loonie-hosted networks like Fox, where bearing false witness is a 24-hour a day commandment. Thou shall bow down before images of Tucker Carlson extolling Russian supermarkets and the former president’s mug shot. 

Thou shall worship football on the Sabbath Day with a two-four of  brew and eight football games. Nothing is holier than a day of relentless violence, 22 men at a time trying to break limbs or sever joints. 

The stadium is the new church and happily restricted to wealthy white people who pay huge sums to watch Black men maim each other. Luckily, there are hundreds of thousands of young Black men willing to sacrifice body and brain for the pleasure of God-loving Christians.

Thou shall hate is the new Love thy neighbour. Not a commandment, more of

a get-real discipline. Your neighbour might be a commie who has gay and Black friends. Or worse, Jewish or Muslim. You never know until you know. Therefore, hate, mistrust and a loaded Glock are the fallback positions for the wary Christian. It’s also called “Get them before they push you in front of an onrushing subway or convince your son to become a daughter.”

We shall take your wretched refuse and drown, shoot, incarcerate, exploit or deport.

The Statue of Liberty was given to Americans by delusional, cheese-chewing French. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me…” Screw that. 

Thou shall put them in camps. It’s what makes the U.S. the greatest country in the world. 

Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image unless moulded onto coin or printed on currency to be worshipped. 

Celebrated graven images include the exposed flesh of young women on stage, screen or walking down the street. Nude women will move a great deal of graven images and all we can say is, “Thank you, Moses.”

This will encourage young women across America to dress less which fulfills men’s G-d-given needs and proliferates happy, bare-foot mothers who know their place is home with children, waiting to allow their husbands into their promised land whenever he likes. Maybe his friends, too, if he’s the generous sort.

Love thy neighbour is permissible if it makes husband happy.

Amen