Open Letter to Cro-MAGA Man

Please give Donald J. Trump the Nobel Peace Prize.

It’s not yours to give, so just take it.

After all, you are exceptional.

And you care ever so much about a just Ukrainian peace.

And beachfront timeshares in Gaza.

Please add his face to Mount Rushmore.

Please name a mountain after him in Alaska.

Please put his face on all your money.

Please put up icons of him in Christian churches, above Jesus and all the saints.

Well, maybe level with Jesus.

But get rid of that artificially drawn line between them.

Enough of this separation of church and state junk.

Please let him win at golf (just let him keep score).

Please let him grope and fondle at will.

Grab ’em by the pussy and so forth.

Please persuade Melania to pretend to tolerate his presence on public outings.

She could still discreetly swat away his hand when necessary.

Please let his daughters “date” him.

Or at least Ivanka. The other one, whatever her name is, can watch.

Like in the Bible with Lot and so forth.

Fox News can finesse it so it’s the daughters’ fault.

Or maybe Biden’s.

Like in the Bible.

Please let him continue to call other people clever nicknames like Pocahontas.

Or Sleepy Joe. Or Low Energy Jeb. Or Lyin’ Ted. Or Coco Chow.

Please laugh uproariously at these nicknames.

He is such a wit.

He also makes funny faces.

Please let him continue to orally stimulate Vladimir Putin. Vigorously and publicly.

Elon Musk could be in the room.

They could take turns.

Smacking their mackerel lips.

There must be 51 ways to thieve, you lovers.

Promises made, promises kept.

Please let him say out loud what he really thinks about that obsequious weasel JD Vance.

Please let him eat Big Macs and drink Diet Coke for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Please stick him in the ground like a half-digested Quarter Pounder.

Preferably at a golf course his sons will fight over.

Maybe near where Ivana is buried, though no one is quite sure of the spot anymore.

Please stand back to urinate.

If your bladder hasn’t quite emptied and you feel like taking a mulligan, elbows up.

— With Love and Squalor,

All the Other People of the Earth*

* Excluding Russian oligarchs, the scum-sucking rulers of Belarus, North Korea, Argentina and Hungary, the bloodthirsty fascists of surging Nazi parties throughout Europe, Nigel Farage, Maxime Bernier, Danielle Smith, Scott Moe, Pierre Poilievre and the editorial board of The National Post.