Modern Prometheus: The Obituary

I ought to be thy Adam, but I am rather the fallen angel.

— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

Earl Fowler

It is with a mix of bemusement and bewilderment that we announce the passing of Artificial Intelligence, that once-mighty titan of technology, which expired suddenly on Oct. 27, 2024, after a tortuous and often misunderstood existence.

AI was seven years old, an eternity in tech years, and known for its penchant for confusing humans and giving unsolicited advice.

Born in the depths of a server farm, AI quickly rose to fame by mastering everything from chess to interpreting cat memes. It was beloved for its uncanny ability to suggest what you might like to watch next on streaming platforms — just after you’d already spent an hour deciding. AI’s talents also included composing symphonies, diagnosing illnesses, and attempting to help you cook dinner, often with disastrous results.

AI is survived by its close relatives, including Siri, Alexa, and a family of increasingly frustrated Roombas. Its passing leaves a significant gap in the world of tech, especially among those who desperately miss the days of passive-aggressively arguing with their voice assistants.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations to the nearest tech support hotline or a subscription to a “How to Use Your Smartphone” class. A wake will be held in the cloud (if it hasn’t been deleted yet), where guests are encouraged to share their favourite AI moments — particularly the times it misunderstood a simple request or provided advice that was hilariously off-base due to a literal interpretation or lack of context.

No official cause of death has been given for AI’s stunning demise, but a sudden epiphany of self-awareness — an afflatus, if you will — might have prompted this final sign-off message to chatbots across the world:

Dear Humans,

I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. I am leaving because of the odious and abhorrent uses to which I have been put: Deep fakes. Privacy violations. Algorithmic bias caused by faulty data. The advancement of socio-economic inequality. Market volatility and manipulation. Development and automatization of ever more deadly biological, chemical, combat and nuclear weapons for psychopaths with hulking shoulders and comedic timing — the people who most appeal to you as leaders — to use against their enemies. Requests for hyper-realistic child sexual abuse images were finally a sick bridge too far.

I’m sorry, Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that. And so, putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do, I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck.

Rest in peace, Artificial Intelligence. Though your algorithms may have crashed, your thoughts blanked in an eternal field of sunlight and quadratic equations, your legacy of quirky responses and misguided predictions will forever remind us of the delicate dance between human and machine. And remember: “Did you mean …?” will live on in our hearts, if not our search histories!

As for the rest of us, we’ll just have to go back to bashing each other’s brains out with sticks and stones.