It’s not the Heat, It’s the Fluidity

Earl Fowler

They’re ba-a-a-a-c-k! And front! And back again!

Seventy years later, the sound of fifties vocal sensation the 5 Neat Guys has sprung back to life in a spectacular new album!

You might remember K-Tel’s 5 Neat Guys’ Neatest Hits from their bow-tied, V-collared, swelteringly sweatered SCTV appearance sometime in the late seventies, when they were already a nostalgia act.

For those of us d’un certain age, their legendary chart toppers still trip off the tongue:

Don’t Step on My Clip-on Tie

Who Made the Egg Salad Sandwiches?

Let’s Have a Party in My Rec Room

My Mom Framed My High School Diploma

She Does It, She Does It (The Whole Town Says She Does It)

Who Put the Pennies in My Loafers?

I’m the Goof in the Classroom

Much as it pains me to say it, I have to admit that my personal favourite remains their biggest and perhaps most controversial tune: I Won’t Date Just Any Girl Around, ’Cause Patsy Has the Largest Breasts in Town.

Shame, shame, shame.

The good news is that in this better informed and more enlightened era, the three surviving original members of 5 Neat Guys, rebranded as the Gender Inclusive 3, have returned with their cover versions of 15 hits from yesteryear. Presented and processed in Auto-Tuned barber-shop harmonies as innovative and mellifluous as the then boys sounded in 1955, we proudly present the new album: It’s not the Heat, It’s the Fluidity.

Track list (along with the original hitmakers):

Accentuate the Positive, Eliminate the Heteronormative (Do Mess With Mister In-Between) — Bing Crosby

I Am Individual With Cervix — Helen Reddy

Uterus Havers! Uterus Havers! Uterus Havers! — Elvis Presley

A Cisgender Male Needs a Fairly Compensated Domestic Entrepreneur — Neil Young

Ruby, Don’t Take Your Pro to Noun — Kenny Rogers

Maggie’s Sperm — Bob Dylan

Where the Seminal Fluid Producers Are — Connie Francis

We’re Talkin’ RuPaul — Terry Cashman (with special appearances by Willie, Mickey and the Cuke)

Epididymis and Ivory, Paul McCartney and Steven Wonder

Down Under — Menstruators at Work

We’ll Gamete Again — Vera Lynn

Rikki Do Lose That Gender (You Might Want to Be Somebody Else) — Steely Dan

Sidewalks, Agitprop and Rainbows — Leslie Gore

Southern Trans — Neil Young

Take a Knee, Country Road — John Denver

But wait! THERE’S MORE! Order now and we’ll send you, ABSOLUTELY FREE, the bonus eight track Some Kind of Fluid Dude, featuring the group’s live recordings of such beloved classics as:

Marrakesh Crossdress — Graham Nash

Bi-Bi Love — The Everly Brothers

Cowgirl in the Gender Neutral Bathroom — Neil Young

Roll Another Pride Flag for the Road — Neil Young

They’ll Have to Go — Jim Reeves

Standing on the Corner, Not Watching Any of the Girls Go By (That Would be Creepy) — Dean Martin

Do Ya Think I’m Intersexy? — Rod Stewart

Unbinaried Melody — The Righteous Brothers

Kind of a Drag — The Buckinghams

Medley: Smells Like Two Spirit / Two Spirited in the Sky — Nirvana / Norman Greenbaum

Ejaculation — Carly Simon

Father/Mother and Son — Cat Stevens

My Kind of Pronoun — Frank Sinatra

Just the Two of Me — Bill Withers

Not available in stores. Cash only. Send $15.95 to Gender in the Grass Records, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, DC 20500, USA.

Sorry. Absolutely no refunds.