Invasion of the swamp creatures

David Sherman

Swaths of the continent have been occupied by aliens, an invasive species of proselytizers, preaching that an invisible, omnipotent force dictates and controls everyone and everything. It/he/she is called God, Allah, the Guy Upstairs, the creator, Donald Trump or Connor McDavid, though the latter is restricted to a small portion of the world whose world is ice hockey.

The species is ingenious at finding ways to destroy themselves and those around them. They have exerted forces in government to legalize what humans call murder and, like that other swamp creature – the Burmese Python – have multiplied exceptionally well in the swamp that is Florida. There, aliens have enshrined the benefits of being “unwoke,” which manifests itself by having slept through the last 60 years, civil rights, civility itself and remaining enamoured with racism, book burning and guns.

Unfortunately, they are indistinguishable in appearance from normal white humans except for their visible affectation for tractor caps and camo gear. They are also known as Republicans, MAGA heads, Conservatives, Christian Nationalists or fascists. Though they are found world wide, they have been most successful breeding in the United States.

Suffering humans, those that work the hardest and earn the least, facilitate the lives of aliens who work the least and earn the most. The latter are often shareholders who work in plush, climate-controlled offices or homes, ordering minions to do their bidding. Aliens are paid in something called shares, paper their corporations print and salaries can be worth tens or even hundreds of millions of dollars a year. Curiously, even failure brings “golden parachutes” or buyouts worth tens of millions, more than most successful humans see in several lifetimes.

As they proclaim their behaviour is akin to being a Queen on a chessboard, moving with the guidance of the aforementioned unseen hand, they can do or say no wrong. Contradiction is part of their belief system. They preach austerity and love as they rake in vast sums of lucre through any means, imaginable or otherwise, and work tirelessly to heap suffering through poverty and encouraging blowing holes in their victims who often have different skin colour.

Their minions are paid in dollars in amounts rarely sufficient for food, shelter or essentials. But, aliens have succeeded in indoctrinating many of the least privileged to believe suffering is a “test” in their belief in the imaginary guy upstairs and a way to please him or her. Some of their belief is predicated on fear: “I’m preaching the word of God, I’m putting out your eyes,” as Bob Dylan sings.

Curiously, those who struggle most or reject the notion they are controlled by an imaginary force said to be up above the clouds like a Chinese spy balloon, are accused of being “communists, socialists, liberals, Jewish, pedophiles or all five. Some Aliens preach they sexually abuse children in pizza joints. Some are also convinced the Earth is flat and an orange man is still president of the U.S.

In this perplexing philosophy, every single one of several billion humans, and, to quote Dylan again, “every sparrow falling and every grain of sand” are controlled by this deity that has never been seen or heard, similar to a Google wet dream. Though as illogical as it is impossible, it allows the aliens to deflect responsibility for their actions by claiming it is the will of “God Almighty.” This includes “standing their ground” with their favourite religious relic, an AR-15.

As one essayist puts it, true believers adhere to curious dictums prescribed by ancient aliens that “just made shit up.”

The Almighty, as he is known by his more familiar admirers, is often imagined as an avuncular or menacing creature resembling Santa Claus without the red suit.

It is said he or she has the power to move mountains and part seas, just like oil and mining companies. They also believed plagues, vermin, floods, wildfires and hurricanes are the work of the Lord and are therefore powerless to control it. “Woke” humans know these are effects of the shareholder caste’s unbridled destruction of the planet, much to the chagrin of the aliens who profit from destruction. Cities under water is God’s will, just like mass shootings and nothing can be done to stop it.

Ultra-high caste members can be found in glimmering yachts, private planes and multiple palaces, behind a protective plumage of armed police to protect them from non-believers, people of colour and the impoverished.

Aliens preach one deserves what one gets and the best believe they get to hang out eternally in a place they call heaven, also known to various cohorts as Paradise, Never-Never Land, box seats at a Leafs/Habs game or Walmart’s on Black Friday. “Heretics” that refuse to toe the line are promised an eternity in hell – an underground housing development forever in flames with no fire department, Netflix or cell signal.

Their most religious day of the week is Sunday during football season where the pious plant themselves in front of the TV to suck back beer and watch large men encased in plastic repeatedly ram into each other with intent to maim.

It is a throwback to the gladiators of days long ago when aliens first began their conquest of what was once a green and blue planet. Any player can have his brain or any part of his body legally reduced to shards for the enjoyment of the sadistic.

Aliens have created an assembly line that spits out football players – mostly Black – and therefore expendable, willing to sacrifice their brains and bodies, in part because of the possibility of riches and in part because opportunities for non-white people to earn enough to live on are rare.

Hence, aliens in the U.S. have built the world’s largest prison system to house those that can’t amuse them on the field or court and refuse to spend their lives over grills and deep fryers, picking up garbage or mowing the green, green grass of the upper caste.

Failing that, there is the armed forces where young men of any colour can earn an education, as long as they’re willing to die for it. Aliens can go to school without worrying about being turned to pink mist by a cruise missile or mine thanks to shareholder parents or taking on a lifetime of debt.

Unfortunately, the invasion of unscrupulous aliens continues unabated, as does their reproduction, thanks, in part, to their belief that female bodies are to be controlled and used for their pleasure. Alien females have no trouble serving males in every manner conceivable and some not so conceivable.

Though no one knows with certainty which planet they came from, some fear it may well be Earth.