Fat Bottomed Girls Make the Rockin’ World Go Round

Earl Fowler

You might have noticed that the song “Fat Bottomed Girls,” a celebration of women of breadth who take our breath away, has been yanked from legendary rock band Queen’s Greatest Hits collection because the title might hurt someone’s feelings.

This has occasioned the usual hysterical whoops of overreaction from traditionalists about “woke” overreach, and I appreciate that. But a more productive measure would be to quickly salvage some of the classics we love with suggestions for title tweaks before they disappear forever into a cruel vortex of vinyl solution for the unpardonable sin of referencing female appearance and/or male concupiscence.

I’ve come up with possible adjustments to a dozen of the most endangered numbers off the top of my “OK boomer” head, but would welcome any suggestions you might have before it’s too late. Only you can prevent allegorist fires:

Brown Pride Girl, by Van Morrison

Person of Short Stature Dancer, by Elton John

Thoughtful Sally, by Little Richard

Bette Davis Brains, by Kim Carnes

Wayne Brady in Red, by Chris de Burgh

She Bought Eggs, by ZZ Top

More than a Human to Me, by the Bee Gees

Bran Eater, by Hall & Oates (this one works on so many levels)

Oh, Pretty Smart Woman, by Roy Orbison

When You’re in Love with a Dutiful Human, by Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show

You Are So Intelligent to Me, by Joe Cocker

Something (in the Way She Disapproves), by the Beatles