Cannabis branding kills the buzz, man

Earl Fowler

I wanted to buy some low THC CBD oil from the Victoria Compassion Club to help me sleep at night, so I signed up to receive email offers. Ho Lee Fuk. Since then I have been deluged with offers for specials on, for example, two ounces of Spring Solstice (AA) sativa dominant hybrid for $54.99 and three ounces for $79.99. Monday and Tuesday only.

Other menu items: KD Flavour Boost Jalapeño macaroni edibles. Coastal bliss extracts in HFTSE vape cartridges. Microdosed psilocybe mushroom bottles. Death Star (AAA), Milky Way, Platinum Blackberry, Afgooey, Motor Breath, Ghost Bubba, Dank Sinatra, Dreamberry, Charlie Sheen (AAAA), Cement Shoes, Lava Cake, Pink Champagne, Mochi Gelato, and so on et comme ça.

It’s like trying to order a bloody coffee at Starbucks. Echoing an observation Mr. Sherman once made in this blog, I don’t want a Brown Sugar Oat Caffè Americano Misto con panna honey almond flat white Pamela Anderson pistachio latte cinnamon dolce ethically sourced bald uakari emperor tamarin macchiato. I just want a mug of java.

What would you do with Dank Sinatra? Not use your mentality? Never wake up to reality? Fly me to the moooooooooon and oops, there goes another rubber tree. And another. And another.

Charlie Sheen AAAA sounds like just the ticket if you’re a winner intent on a public meltdown and career suicide.

Afgooey? Isn't that a strand of gum wad one occasionally comes across under movie theatre armrests?

Cement shoes. 'Nuff said.

I tried another cannabis website and found myself in a smouldering cauldron of Tropic Girl, Amnesia Haze, Slurricane, Inzane in the Membrane, Ready to Roll Glookies, French Toast, Yabba Dabba Doo, Romulan, Chem Hindu Glue, Gas Tank, Insolence by Guerlain, Beach Hut Man Amouage, Eau de Gaga, Ugly Bastard Bud Parfums, I Don’t Swallow …

No wait, I’ve veered into the cosmetics counter. Who can tell the difference?

What I do dig about high-end dope marketing are the quasi-pornographic culinary descriptions.

“The aroma of Sour Jack” and I am not making this up, “is intense with a pungent mix of diesel fuel and citrus. Overall, it should smell sour with notes of lemon pine. The taste is similar to the scent and users may notice the fuel smell more in the smoke. The buds are lime green with orange hairs.”

The last time I saw lime green buds with orange hairs, they were attached to an undersized Speedo on an oversized body. And not in a good way. Think middle-age Canadian on Panama City Beach in mid-January.

Mmmmm. Diesel fuel.

“Aromas of earth and pine intertwine with a sweetness like honey. Leaves the colour of a deep purple twilight mingle with the vibrant greens of a new fern after a spring rainburst. Reaching for the sunlight, this strikingly exotic and elegant flower would be at home in any decorative garden. Its lineage may be murky and unknown, but Bubba Kush is anything but. Famed for its unforgettable scent and heavy trichome frosting, this strain is a unique fusion of earthy flavours and soft sweetness.”

You don’t have to be marketing whiz Terry O’Reilly to know that heavy trichome frosting sounds better than outgrowths from plant epidermis.

And didn’t Bubba Kush coach the Bears for a season after Ditka left?

In my day, you bought a lid of twigs, gravel and hayseed for $20 and maybe an Oxo cube an older kid named Guido told you was hash.

Then you spent the night on the toilet. Life was simple. Life was good.

Say. Any idea what time The Brady Bunch is on?