Are you there God? It’s me, Bob

Bob Morrissey

One day last week when the Canadiens were idle and the supper dishes done, I tuned into the fireplace channel and thought about God. I mean, what’s going on? At 78, my best-before-date is approaching and suddenly He’s stopped listening to me; He’s not answering any of my prayers. Then it hit me: He’s gone deaf. Maybe the Big Bang wasn’t just a theory, and he got too close to the noise.

Or maybe he’s just ignoring me.

Don’t misunderstand: I’m not making excuses for God. It’s just we all view God differently, and my way is to make him part human so I can relate to him.

To me, the most human part of God is his long-range planning. But what was He thinking? Why didn’t He create only one race and have everyone the same colour — all bright yellow. That way, there’d be no racial strife and fewer hunting accidents.

And what was He thinking when it came to tornados and tsunamis? I doubt He said, “Hum, let me see. I know people love dramatic and spectacular events. How about incredible winds that can wipe out complete towns? Even kill people. How about having waves so high they demolish village after village? Hey, one of my son’s friends walked on water; no big deal.”

And speaking of His son, why did God have him change water into wine? The newly married couple might have been delighted, but look what it triggered: millions of families devastated by alcoholism and thousands of Dean Martin jokes. He should have changed water into Diet Coke, knowing one day there would be rampant obesity.

The question is: If the god-man I imagine could change anything, what would it be? Well, there still would have been a Hitler, only he would have stuck to painting. There would be only one language, one beautiful climate and one Kardashian.

We’d never have to mow the lawn or get a haircut, and Ikea’s furniture would come assembled. There’d be fewer mosquitoes in Winnipeg — in fact, there might not even be a Winnipeg. Every child would be born healthy. And heaven would be different. God would always be nearby, but so would our parents, pets and friends.

Would it be too much to ask for smartphones? I want to know when Quebec separates. Not that I’ll ever be going back there — unless there’s reincarnation.

No, I think God would have done things differently. My gut feeling is He got bored after the Big Bang.

Suddenly, He had all this land and not even a garden. The terrain was parched and rugged and the animals huge and ugly. His hearing was awful. And I think he was lonely. I can picture Him telling Himself, “Man this sucks. If only I had someone to talk to.” Presto: Adam and Eve.

Personally, I don’t think God knew what he was getting into, and I certainly don’t think He’d agree with me. Frankly, He’d probably tell me to go to hell.

Can’t say I’d blame Him.