Our African-Americans Sure Can Jump

By David Sherman

George Floyd is dancing a jig up there, thrilled the markets are up and unemployment is down. He and his buddies – all African-Americans know each other – Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, Alton Sterling, Botham Jean, Atatiana Jefferson, Ahmaud Arbery, have probably formed a doo wop group. You know how our African-Americans love to sing.

And when they’re not smiling and singing and dancing, they’re playing basketball. Our African-Americans can jump.

Our black boys are the toughest black boys on Earth. The greatest. And strong, believe me. They made terrific slaves. And, they came here singing, rescued from living in those African shit holes. Happy to come here. After all, as my African-American friend said, “Sir, what did we have to lose?”

They’re smarter than you think, believe me. They learned from the white people already here, those great people from Europe, especially Germany, where my father was born, that planted crops and cut down trees and grew cotton for the world. They’re the hardest working people you ever want to meet, believe me. Like me, all self-made men.

Amazing people those cotton farmers, taught our new African-Americans how to live off the land. And since their skin is thicker than white people’s, trust me, cotton-pickin’ came naturally to them.

Sure, sure, they didn’t sail here on the Queen Mary, you might not know that, but one of my African-American friends, some of my best friends are African-American, he said, “Sir, those boats we came over in in chains were kind’ve rough.”

I said, “Sure, but at least you didn’t have to swim over.” Always makes him laugh, him and all my other African-American friends, and I have lots, believe me. Like Ben What-The-Hell-Does-He-Do Carson. Good buddy. Works real hard at making it harder for people to come by housing. Ben’s a real good boy. Agrees with everything I say. A credit to his race.

Being a slave was not an easy job. Nobody really knows that but it was hard work. Made them tough. Why do you think our African-Americans make such great football and basketball players?

So, today, with their amazing genes, nothing makes black people happier than being stomped, tased and shot by police. They love to get hit, watch them on the football field or on the basketball court. They take a hit and jump up smiling. So what’s the big deal about a few shots with a billy club or a beautiful choke hold?

It’s an honour for these boys, a reminder of their heritage, just like getting a premature lift to heaven to watch the good news down here. What’ve they go to lose, getting into heaven few years early? Really.

They’re all happy as hell to be in heaven watching wealthy white people get wealthier. So, let me tell you, all these know-nothing, bitching demonstrators across the country, these leftist, Communist, Democrat, Jewish troublemakers should be shot, gassed, have their heads slammed into the roofs of police cars and jailed for a very, very, very long time.

Now, I’m pleased to announce that a few African-Americans who got in the way of bullets or were choked out by our excellent police forces have been honoured and immortalized in a McDonald’s commercial.

Maybe next they'll put their faces on cups of Coke.

But, you know, African-Americans love Big Macs and Cokes, just like me. Many work there so they can be close to the sizzling hot grills and be reminded of when they're ancestors bathed in the heat of Africa. And they love to be close to the bathrooms so many of them overdose in.

Remember the opioid epidemic crisis and the border crisis just before the Covid crisis that precipitated the financial crisis that caused the jobless crisis, all of which Jared, my Aryan-looking Jewish son-in-law solved, along with the Mideast crisis.

Sure, we have a slight deficit, which will become a real crisis only if the Democrats take power and destroy America.

We all have to do our best to make sure this doesn’t happen by closing as many polling stations in poor neighbourhoods as possible, making sure mail-in ballots from Democrats are lost and making it impossible for young people, Hispanics, African-Americans and poor people to register to vote.

My favourite is robocalls sending certain voters to the wrong polling stations. American democracy at work.

It’s the only way to protect our country and make it great and keep it great. Remember do-nothing Democrats will destroy the country. They are fiscally irresponsible.

And I know fiscal irresponsibility, believe me.