A Long Walker off a Short Pier

Earl Fowler

As a sort of thought experiment (now available in Magnavox and Blu-ray, since we here at the Time Isn’t on Our Side Vitality Village for Debauched Roués are well versed on all the latest technologies), I fed some observations about nursing homes — sorry, make that “Worst Indignities of Old Age Compassionate Cubbyholes” — into the ChatGPT chatbot made freely available a couple of years ago by OpenAI.

I took the liberty of asking it to wax poetic about the sort of assisted-living serendipity warehouse in which most of us can look forward to spending our suspended animation years (well, months) in that open-mouthed future looming ever larger in our rear view mirrors. Ain’t that a kick in the dread?

Here’s what came back in less time than it takes to flip a page in The Merck Manual of Turns for the Worse and Tender Care Toe Tagging. You might think you gotta hawk tuah and spit on that thang, but boy, does it ever suck back some mean cans of Boost en route to the Meaningless Void a Go-Go looming in the next room.

Protoplasm Ponderosa

In the twilight of life’s meandering trail,

Where every step whispers a tale,

From Final Bridge Rest Home to Acres grand,

Each place a chapter etched in sand.

Last Stop on the Moving Sidewalk of Life,

Eternal Dial Tone, where peace is rife.

Evergreen Estates, serenity’s embrace,

Amid Dead Ladies’ Purses, a quiet space.

Luxury Residence, a fleeting dream,

With Broken Schick Shaver, where things aren’t as they seem.

Comfortcare Haven, for souls worn and sad,

Torn Carpet and Dirty Flaking Wall, memories clad.

Golden Years Getaway, a refuge old,

In Steerage Class Storage, treasures untold.

For those who save jar lids and elastic bands,

Falling-Apart Furniture, where time stands.

Assisted Living Abode, a gentle hand,

In Dark and Shabby, where hopes withstand.

Hellhole, where shadows creep,

Gentle Harbour Living, where dreams find sleep.

Peaceful Meadows, where cliques converge,

A Place for Mom, a tender surge.

Life I’ve Fallen, I Can’t Get Up,

Dreamcatcher RadiantVista, a hopeful cup.

Almost Living Program, where journeys meet,

Joyful Journeys, life’s bittersweet.

Do Not Resuscitate, a sombre phase,

Transitional Zone, where time’s haze.

Harmony House, where melodies play,

Sofas, Sconces, Oriental Carpets array.

Homestead, where dignity’s found,

Papa’s Got a Brand New Box, earthbound.

Valley of the Shadow, where tubes entwine,

Tranquil Gardens, where spirits align.

Sunshine Pathways, a serendipitous stroll,

Serene Solace, a tranquil knoll.

Day Care Centre, where minds find peace,

Senile Dementia, where memories cease.

Palatial Residence, a royal stay,

See the World, through cataracts’ grey.

Last Unfolded Sweaters, a drawer’s embrace,

Skilled Nursing Facility, where care finds place.

Loving Legacy Lodge, a legacy’s bloom,

Radiant Senior Living, in serenity’s room.

Serenity Day Centre, a gentle repose,

Eternally Tonguing a Sore Tooth, life’s throes.

Peaceful Pines Plantation, where nature calls,

Maroon Corduroy, where the silence falls.

Cane and Cannula, bedside they stand,

Neck of the Woods, in familiar land.

Château, where memories dwell,

Scratching of Rat Claws, a haunted spell.